Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in [E ]m.o.s.e.x.u.a.l.<3's LiveJournal:

Saturday, January 21st, 2006
6:47 pm	Yes, I am a loser. I let Amanda read this today. Dare say, that I am a loser for this as well. I hate myself endlessly and I probably will go into another huge depression just over this because right after she read it. She had to " leave for awhile. " .. And " be back later. " .. Yeah? Later after she's done crying or something, because I made her cry. Heh. I'm a loser. I hate myself, and I wish I was a better person. She'll probably leave me because I am a loser and then hopefully I will die or something and then no one else would have to cry over me or something. =) Current Mood: blah (1 Comment |Comment on this)
6:12 pm	Bleh to the blah. I finally talked to Amanda yesterday.. I feel bad still. I hardly talked to her. Why? Everytime we talk now she always sounds like she's mad at me, and it makes me feel like I did something wrong.. I love her so much, I just wish I knew what to do to make things perfect. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 20th, 2006
6:57 pm	My stupid-self. I hate my weight so much.. I wish I was shorter too. I hate that I think I am so fat everytime I look in the mirror, and I hate that when I don't eat for at least two days my Mother freaks out and thinks that I am going anorexic like my sister did. Why doesn't she treat me the way she treated my sister and not realize something is wrong until something actually is wrong to the point of my life being in danger. She won't even take me to a mental doctor anymore, and I have no one to talk too. I tried to sit her down one time and explain what was going on in my life. I didn't even get out three sentences before she fucking tried to tell me what to do. That's it. Everything I do is always WRONG, and she never tells me what the RIGHT thing to do is. Fucking grow up already. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
6:53 pm	I hate myself. Where are my fucking friends when I need them the most? Allen smoking weed with Ryan, Roger on the phone with Erica or Kelby who doesn't suspect a thing, Ryan who never calls me anymore, Amanda who won't fucking pick up her phone. What the hell is going on around here, why is everything crashing down on me? Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
6:46 pm	Myself this time.. I really wanna get out of this place. I feel like I am trapped within four walls of hell and my family is now one person thats called Satan. I hate my friends, they're all pricks. God damn them all. I was at school tonight doing my part in the JROTC program that we had to do colorguard for the school and present the colors for the basketball game tonight against Kingstreet. I'm losing all my friends, I am either losing them to dope or drugs really, or just because they're being pricks and doing things that hurt others and I just distance myself from them. I hate this world. I hate that I feel like I am the only person that actually gives a fuck about a persons feelings. I wish I could have Amanda here right now, fuck I wish I could have almost anyone here right now even Lauren, Katie, or even Haley right now. To comfort me, to help me stop crying. I need help so bad. I wish for once in my life I didn't have to look for someone to care for.. I wish I didn't have to ask for someone to pity me to actually notice that something is wrong. I wish someone actually cared enough to know when something was wrong with me. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
6:40 pm	My little " mini-me. " Noah, currently 6 years old, my little nephew. One person I forgot to mention that means so much to me because I thought he deserved a section to himself. I love this little guy. I love him so much ever since he was born I knew I would be close to him and there was something special about him. He was born with a birth defect and alot of other personal disorders in the near future to come since then. He was diagnosed with Bi-polarism at the age of three years old. He has autism as well, so its really hard to control him.. He constantly hits me and I try to punish him for doing it sometimes, but he just can't control himself because of his autism. I'm so afraid that one day he may die just like my friend a few years ago did. Because these two people are so incredibly much alike. Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
6:38 pm	Oh my god. I totally hate my school. I totally hate my friends & family as well. I'd hate my life if it weren't for such a few people that exist in this world that keep me bound to it. I wanna blow myself away most of the time, and I probably would if it weren't for my few friends on MSN and my girlfriend. My girlfriend has helped me through so much and she thinks so many things. She won't even pick up her phone right now and I feel crushed, I feel heart b r o k e n. I wanna know what the fuck I did wrong. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
6:35 pm	Roger - Another fucking idiot. You're so fucking stupid. You have someone that loves you so fucking much and you go and cheat on her. I wanna slap you around so much. I am the one that told Joe you couldn't fight, I am the one that told him he should beat your ass. Look what happened, he wants you dead, and he will come after you again and again until he finally gets you. You're so stupid, man. Kelby freaking loves you and you go and have sex with some other girl. To top that off you go and flirt/ probably go out by now with Erica. I freaking hate you. My friends never do that. You use to never do that. You're becoming Allen. The one person you hate as much as me. Im starting to hate you too. Loser. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
10:04 am	[ A n g e l. ] I'm really worried about Amanda, I haven't talked to her in two days.. I usually let her call me because I have bad luck when I call and she's probably with her friends or something and she ignores me when she is with her friends. I don't care about that, as long as she is happy really. That's all I am worried about.. I don't want her to be sad. Ha, wouldn't it be something if she was ignoring me or avoiding me for some reason because of the whole thing about if Nick left his girlfriend, she'd go with him. That really hurt, though I guess I can't say much I use to not trust her about a lot of things and I even left her once because I thought she didn't love me. I am now totally devoted to her with all my heart, and it really hurts sometimes I guess you could say. I am not backing down from this no matter how afraid I feel, or no matter how much I am hurt by my friends and other peers. If you read this Amanda, please know that I love you with all my heart and I never want you to stop loving me. If that means anything to you at all, please never doubt me. My heart is only for you and it kills me to think of you with another guy or me with someone that isn't you. Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
11:58 am	Stupid things once again. Today just sucked all over again. Allen broke his promise once again for like the fifth time in a row. I'm starting to become apathetic towards him and everything he says to me. Roger is starting to fucking piss me off. He says such lame things that are so stupid that it should be just common-sense. I don't care that people read this, but I rather them wait until I am done typing this and he just tries to stand over my shoulder and claims not to be reading this or anything that I am typing. I asked him nicely to stand to the side and go away or something and he stood there and said I am not even trying to read it and I asked what didn't he understand about that since I had asked him nicely to go away. I believe that my medicine is starting to not affect me anymore and that it is wearing off with its potential and dwindle down just like my self esteem. I'm starting to really hate my life and no matter how many times I tell my mother that I need help she just brushes me off and says that it is just a phase that we all go through. We'll does this phase last for several years? It's lasted me since I was 9 years old and I even went through a phase of self-mutilation still to date. I think I cracked my rib the night when I was really upset with myself over something stupid that I had kept thinking about. So, I hit myself to draw the pain away from everything else and I told people that I had somehow did it in my sleep or either when my little nephew, Noah, was over. I'm really starting to hate this school and all the stress that it makes me go through. I feel bad about myself already, and I really don't care what people think about me, I am more worried about what I think/care about myself. I love you, Amanda. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
12:08 pm	Ihateyou,kthx. Allen ticks me off so bad. Freaking crackhead, ha. All you do now is drugs and you have no time for your friends. You're such a prick, and you wonder why I hate you?! Do you ever wonder why I won't let you come over or why I ignore you on the computer mostly? You were never like this in the past. You just stick to your drugs and smoke your weed and do everything that you want to do in your little crack addicted world. I care too much for you, I guess. You hardly care for me at all anymore. You're a dick, end of story. (Comment on this)
11:56 am	[ A m a n d a. ] Ha. Yesterday sucked so bad. Right after school after I had finished my test I got a phone call from Amanda, my girlfriend, which was a bit awkward because it was at school, though it did make me feel good. Even around my friends and all. Though I guess it was only awkward because she kept telling me not to do something... She told me not to read an email that she had sent to me a few or some time ago I don't really remember what all she said. It made me want to read it even more and I just HAD to go home right then and there. Well, I eventually got home and I got online to check my email . . . Itwas something that made me cry almost instantly, and then she called me or really I text'd her and I just txt'd " ... " and she tried to call me and I did pick up the phone at first, and she sounded said, and on the inside I was laughing at her, I thought it was so stupid she would be sad while she was the one that wanted to break it off with me to begin with. I eventually started ignoring her phone calls and she text'd me saying that she would explain everything. I eventually started to give her a chance and evetually I also learned out too many things to handle.. I took my anti-depressants and " mellow-out " pill.. I'm not usually suppose to cry or something while I am on it. I was so overcome with everything she said to me that I still cried. She was going to break it off with me for some dickhead that called me a faggot in denial.. It was so messed up, if I may say so myself. She was going to break it off with me because she thought I had given up on her, when I wasn't allowed to use my phone and my computer had just gotten a virus that made it crash so I had to restore all the previous memory and return it to its previous state. I love her. I love her with all my heart, but yet she always doubts what I say to her. She says she doesn't, I know its a lie. I made her promise to me to tell me the truth and she say that she always doubted everything that everyone says to her. Meaning that also includes me. I just wish for once in our relationship that I felt like I was good enough and that she actually didn't doubt anything that I said to her. (Comment on this)